2007-01-16T07:13:00.000-08:00

"Crown Jewels," a quirky, family comedy book and screenplay

by D.C. Copeland.
Registered with the WGA.

Based on the book available here.

The last pages of the screenplay can be found below. Max "Gumsandals" Cohen is hanging from a Goodyear blimp mooring rope over Miami. His hefty weight is keeping the blimp from rising as quickly as it could. The gondola is packed with weekend revolutionaries who have hijacked the blimp to Cuba. The Mayor of Miami is on board as well as Max's partner Charles "Chuck" Song and undercover cop Juan Matecumbe. Juan looks like Bozo the Clown. Chuck looks like a banana. Max looks like a bowl of fruit. Really.

Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" brings up the credits and sums up Max's mantra:

"Don't worry. Everything is going to be alright."

EXT. BRICKELL AVENUE—DAY

The Cohen clan is stuck in traffic in an open pink Caddy convertible. Alfredo, in a rented tux, is honking the horn. MR. AND MRS. GONZALEZ are sitting next to him, the youngest Cohens on their laps. The back seat carries the rest of the Cohens. Jessica is crying. Everybody is sweating. Alfredo happens to look up as a large shadow passes overhead.

ALFREDO
Look!

Everyone looks except Alfredo’s mom who is looking adoringly at her son. Alfredo sees this and translates.

ALFREDO
¡Mire!

She turns and squints.

Wendy lifts her shades.

WENDY
Oh my God, mom! Look, IT’S DADDY!

Mary turns from trying to comfort Jessica.

Their POV: The blimp glides by dangerously low. Max, the fruit bowl, is twisting slowly in the wind.

Mary stands up in the car, cups her mouth and yells.

MARY
MAX COHEN! YOU COME DOWN FROM THERE THIS MINUTE!

EXT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY

Max hears her voice and looks down from the spinning line.

AERIAL on Max’s POV: He can see his family stranded in traffic. The children are waving at him. We can barely hear Mary over the roar of the blimp’s engine SOUND.

MARY
You’ll miss your daughter’s wedding!

Max waits to spin around before shouting over the SOUND of the engine:

MAX
Don’t worry! Everything is going to be all right!

He waves back to the kids.

EXT. BRICKELL AVENUE—DAY

With Mary still standing behind them and berating her husband, the Gonzalezes exchange dubious glances before glancing at Alfredo who has slumped into his seat. He implies with some body language that his future father-in-law is crazy. Jessica nudges him hard from the back seat. He looks back and sees her angry eyes. He smiles weakly and turns around sheepishly.

Miriam is watching the blimp intently.

MIRIAM
(spelling)
H-E-L-P. Help...I-M...B-E-ING

EXT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY

As the word HIJACKED! spells itself out on the side of the blimp and flashes.

EXT. BRICKELL AVENUE—DAY
Pedestrians panic, scream, and run for cover.

Police cars are racing down the wrong side of the street.

EXT. BRICKELL AVENUE CONDO—DAY
Twenty-four floors up on a condo balcony a man is sitting in a chair reading a magazine. MAN ON BALCONY, a white-haired retiree looks up as a large shadow spreads over him.

MAN ON BALCONY
( calmly)
Darling, do we still have the Sunday Herald?

WOMAN ON BALCONY (O.S.)
I think so.

MAN ON BALCONY
( getting up)
Could you bring it to me, please?

EXT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY
As the gondola moves towards us, we see Hernandez’s screaming face plastered against the window as he mouths these words: We’re going to crash!

EXT. BRICKELL AVE CONDO—DAY
WOMAN ON BALCONY, the retiree’s blue-haired wife, is bent over and walking backwards onto the balcony. She is dragging a rolled Sunday Miami Herald behind her.

WOMAN ON BALCONY
I thought you gave up reading the Sunday paper for your health.

When she turns around, she gasps.

REVERSE SHOT: The blimp is filling the screen just beyond the balcony rail. The blimp’s engines are growing LOUDER.

MAN ON BALCONY
(shouting)
What’s the use of being old and healthy if you can’t enjoy it?

REVERSE SHOT: The man picks up one end of the newspaper. He has to shout over the ROAR of the fanjets.

MAN ON BALCONY
You’d think 250 feet up in the air you’d get some privacy. Darling, grab an end, will ya?

His startled wife grabs an end.

MAN ON BALCONY
That’s the girl. Okay, start swinging it back and forth.

INT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY
As the battle continues inside, Hernandez screams at the Pilot.

E.F. HERNANDEZ
What’s going on? Why can’t we get higher?

PILOT
I don’t know. Something’s dragging us down!

EXT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY
Max sees what is about to happen.

MAX
Oy vai, not the Sunday Herald!

REVERSE SHOT: Max is closing in on the balcony and the old couple.

INT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY
Everyone on board has stopped fighting to stare in horror out the windows.

EVERYONE
No, not the Sunday Herald!

EXT. BRICKELL AVENUE CONDO—DAY

MAN ON BALCONY
Now!

They let go of the paper.

SLO-MO: The paper arcs across the blue sky.

EXT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY
The newspaper is sucked into the fanjet.

INT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY
The gondola is rocked from side to side, throwing the men to the floor and against the sides.

EXT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY
The fanjet spits out smoke and confetti.

Max looks like he’s in the middle of a snowstorm.

The blimp starts to roll downward.

Max finds himself falling toward the gondola.

Max’s body smacks the gondola’s side.

Max is dragged toward the door.

His hand reaches out and grabs the door handle.

Struggling to hold on, he manages to open the door and fall into the gondola.

INT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY
As it rolls in the opposite direction.

Max starts sliding back.

Max’s POV: Over his legs as they slide across the floor toward the open door.

EXT. BLIMP GONDOLA-- DAY
Max spreads his legs and his fruit shoes catch each side of the doorway before the gondola shudders and twists again.

INT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY
Max slides back across the floor into the opposite side. He grabs a pair of legs and looks up.

The legs belong to Trenchcoat. He has been knocked out but because it is so crowded, he can’t fall down.

Max struggles to get to his feet. When he looks around, he stops short.

Max’s POV: Everyone except the Pilot and Hernandez have been knocked out. Because there is no place to fall, everybody is standing. Hernandez sees Max O.S.

HERNANDEZ
(waving machete)
¡TU MOIR!

Max grabs a machete from one of the unconscious men and waves it over their heads.

MAX
GEHARGET YAWLST DOO VEREU!

The tips of the machetes meet over the unconscious men as the two combatants exchange feeble blows.

Pilot turns anxiously to the angry adversaries.

PILOT
Gentlemen, please, be careful where you poke those things!

Pilot sees something outside.

Pilot’s POV: The Orange Bowl.

Pilot whips the blimp’s steering wheel hard to the right.

EXT. ORANGE BOWL—DAY
As the damaged blimp comes in over the east end zone.

The blimp’s single nose wheel bounces off the gridiron.

INT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY
Everyone is bouncing around like rag dolls.

Hernandez is thrown across the unconscious standees.

EXT. ORANGE BOWL—DAY
The blimp’s nose wheel rises off the turf.

INT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY
Max is thrown forward.

EXT. ORANGE BOWL—DAY
The blimp nose-dives into the turf.

INT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY
The human cargo crashes toward the front.

Max and Hernandez, both dazed, meet in the middle. Max pokes Hernandez in the eyes alá the Three Stooges and Hernandez’ response sounds just like Curly’s. Max applies the coup de grace with a bop on the top of the head that renders the man unconscious.

MAYOR (O.S.)
Sir, let me be the first to congratulate you.

Max, dazed, turns to the voice.

The Mayor is crawling over the unconscious bodies to get to Max.

MAYOR
By saving the Goodrich blimp—

CHUCK (O.S.)
That’s GoodYEAR, Jack.

Max and the Mayor turn to the voice.

Chuck is moving toward them over the bodies.

Group shot:

MAYOR
Si, GoodYEAR blimp.
( returns to Max)
By saving the Goodyear blimp, one of America’s most cherished items, I’d like to present you a Key to the City.

He starts digging around his pockets.

CHUCK
Forget the Key. I got a better idea. This is your chance to be a hero.

The Mayor stops short and looks up.

MAYOR
A hero?

CHUCK
A hero. Yeah. We’ll tell everyone it was you who saved the day.

MAYOR
Me?

CHUCK
Yeah, this could get you on The Tonight Show.

MAYOR
The Tonight Show?

CHUCK
With Jay Leno.

MAYOR
( suspiciously)
What do I have to do?

CHUCK
Just get us to the church on time.

EXT. ORANGE BOWL—DAY
As the blimp deflates, police cars slide to a stop outside the gondola. Cops surround the gondola, guns drawn. One looks inside the open door.

INT. BLIMP GONDOLA—DAY
The cop sticks his gun through the doorway. This scene grows gradually darker as the blimp’s envelope deflates around the gondola.

COP #3
Don’t anyone move!

Mayor, hands raised, eases away from Chuck and Max.

MAYOR
Hey, it’s me, the Mayor.

COP #3
You all right, sir?

MAYOR
I’m fine. Arrest everybody!

CHUCK
What?

MAYOR
Everybody! Especially the fruit bowl and the banana.

CHUCK
Why you—

The cop’s gun pressed against Chuck’s head stops him short.

The Mayor backs out of the gondola.

MAYOR
Hey, there aren’t enough seats on Leno’s show for three heroes. Don’t worry, banana boy. I’m not a complete schmuck. I’m not a four-term mayor for nothin’. I know how to play my options. Showing grace is one of ‘em.
(turns to the cop)
The fruit bowl’s daughter is getting married today. Cuff ‘em and take ‘em to Vizcaya before you book ‘em.
( turns back)
Make sure you put the guy in the designer fatigues in solitary. The bastard tried to kidnap me.

JUAN (O.S)
And don’t forget, he hijacked the blimp, too.

The Mayor turns to the voice.

Juan, rubbing his clown head, extends his clown hand.

JUAN
Juan Matecumbe at your service, your honor. I work for you, too.

The Mayor cringes at the thought as everything becomes pitch black.

MAYOR
SHACKLE THAT CLOWN!

EXT. ORANGE BOWL—DAY
As the huge rubber envelope settles on top of the gondola and the squad cars.

EXT. VIZCAYA GARDENS—DAY
When industrialist James Deering died, he left his Italian Renaissance estate to Dade County. The gardens have been used for assembly line weddings ever since. The faux coral rock cross is changed by Parks & Recreation staff to a combined faux coral rock Star of David and Cross.

Giselle finds the symbol disturbing as she, Saul, Mary and the Gonzalezes are ushered forward along a center aisle to vacating wooden folding chairs. Mary keeps looking over her shoulder for Max. We hear a POLICE SIREN.

Olga sees him first.

OLGA
Mommy, it’s daddy!

Mary turns with a hopeful smile, which quickly fades.

Max, Chuck, and Juan, still in costume and shackled together, are being led down the center aisle by an armed police escort. Their hands are cuffed in front of them. Max is moving in quick little steps, leading the rest with him.
Giselle shrieks and grabs her heart.

GISELLE
Ihmbeshrien! Is that my son?

She falls into Saul’s arms and he struggles to hold her up.

Mary ignores the histrionics and tries to walk past a VIZCAYA ATTENDANT. He won’t let her pass.

VIZCAYA ATTENDANT
Sorry, ma’am. Center aisle moves forward only.

MARY
That’s my husband.
( pointing)
I have to get to him.

When the attendant turns to look, Mary slips around him.

VIZCAYA ATTENDANT
Hey, come back here!

Mary runs up to Max. They embrace. Photo flashes pop.

MAX
Did I miss the wedding?

MARY
No, darling, you’re just in time.

MAX
See, I told you’d I make it.

A BIG COP carrying an equally big shotgun breaks them apart.

BIG COP
No fraternizing with the prisoners, lady.

MARY
But he hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s on a case.

BIG COP
Yeah, a basket case. Now get along.

MARY
But—

BIG COP
Lady, if you don’t cooperate, I’m going to take him right to jail.

RACHEL
Jail?

MARY
( scooping up Rachel)
Jail?

MAX
It’s a long story, honey. Just call our lawyer after the wedding. I should be home by tomorrow.

MARY
But what about the reception?

Max turns to the Big Cop with sad, supplicating eyes.

BIG COP
You gotta be kidding.

Max turns with a heavy heart back to his family.

MAX
Try to enjoy it without me.

Rachel begins to cry. Max tries to reach out to her and comfort her, but his handcuffs scrape her head, which makes her cry even more.

BIG COP
Enough already. You’re impeding a public function. Move ahead.

Mrs. Gonzalez is standing next to her husband across the aisle when her eyes meet Max’s.

Max the fruta bola offers a weak smile.

Mrs. Gonzalez draws back into the safety of her husband’s arms.

Big Cop escorts his chained charges to their seats, makes them sit down, and then sits down behind them. Mary sits in the front row with Giselle and Saul on the end. When she leans over to touch Max, the Big Cop stops her.

BIG COP
Sorry, no one’s ‘loud to touch the prisoners.

GISELLE
Prisoners!

MARY
But you can’t keep my husband here, he has to walk our daughter down the aisle.

BIG COP
The hell he does.

MARY
But it’s tradition!

GISELLE
Tradition!

Giselle spits the word out.

BIG COP
Honey, if you think the bride walking down the aisle with a fruit basket is—

SGT. EASTWOOD (O.S.)
Fruit bowl.

BIG COP
Fruit bowl is traditional, then, baby, I better arrest you, too.

Big Cop turns to the voice and jumps to his feet.

Sgt. Eastwood is back, bigger than ever on his horse.

SGT. EASTWOOD
Now why would you want to go and do that?

Big Cop salutes. Wendy is standing beside the horse.

BIG COP
Sgt. Eastwood, sir.

SGT. EASTWOOD
Cut the lady some slack, officer. I’ll take full responsibility for the fruit bowl. Unlock him and let him march down the aisle with his daughter.

BIG COP
But, sir...

SGT. EASTWOOD
VILL DO AS I AM TOLD!

The outburst and the German accent catch everyone by surprise. Even the horse. Eastwood fights to control it.

BIG COP
Yes, sir!

Big Cop salutes and with trembling hands unlocks Max’s handcuffs and shackles.

CHUCK
(whispering)
Who is this guy, anyway?

MAX
( whispering)
Some guy who’s got the hots for Wendy.

With a tip of his helmet, Eastwood smiles down at Wendy.

Wendy smiles back up at him.

When Max is freed, he immediately hugs Mary and gives her an impassioned kiss.

WENDY
C’mon, dad. We’re runnin’ late.

Wendy grabs her father and leads him and her sisters away.

Before the wedding parties can settle into their seats the Wedding March MUSIC begins. Everyone turns to look.

The bridesmaids are led down the center aisle by Rachel, followed by each sister until... A moment passes.

Alphonso can’t stand the suspense.

Mary strains to see the entrance of the bride.

Mr. and Mrs. Gonzalez are anxious, too.

Finally, Max, the deranged bowl of fruit, and his beautiful daughter stumble out from behind a big bush into the center aisle. Jessica, it seems, is crying uncontrollably. Max is smiling gamely and patting her forearm. Flashbulbs burst.

Big Cop and his prisoners are looking up at us. Big Cop cocks the shotgun as a reminder.

Max tries to smile. He looks elsewhere.

Mary is smiling and wiping away tears.

Tears are welling-up in Max’s eyes. He looks elsewhere.

Giselle, crying, is putting sunglasses on. Saul is sitting down, fast asleep.

Max wipes away a tear and looks elsewhere.

The REVEREND walks out from behind a coral rock wall toward us. The man is wearing a seersucker suit and a Hawaiian tie. And tennis shoes. Instead of a Bible, he’s carrying a black vinyl notebook.

A tic grows around Max’s eye as he looks elsewhere.

Alfredo looks alarmed.

Max tries to smile as he mumbles:

MAX
Don’t worry, everything is going to be alright.

REVEREND (O.S.)
Mr. Cohen?

MAX
D-Don’t worry. Everything is going to be alright.

JESSICA (O.S.)
Daddy? Daddy, please let go of my arm.

Max turns to the voice.

Jessica, mascara running down her face, also looks alarmed.

Alfredo yanks Jessica’s arm from Max’s clamp-like grip.

Max stares at the space where Jessica’s arm used to be.

WENDY (O.S.)
Dad?

Wendy has stepped out of the bridal party and grabbed Max by the arm. She turns him gently around and leads him stumbling back to his seat.

He turns around to look at his daughters.

They all are crying and looking upon him sadly.

Max wants to tell them not to worry when

Handcuffs snap around his wrists.

His legs are reshackled.

Max slumps in on himself as the wedding ceremony begins, sounding like a vague droning SOUND.

GISELLE (O.S.)
Where’s the rabbi?

MARY (O.S.)
There isn’t any rabbi.

GISELLE (O.S.)
No rabbi?

MARY (O.S.)
He’s a Justice of the Peace. Alfredo’s Catholic and Jessie’s searchin’—

Giselle’s eyes blink uncomprehendingly as the Sacred Symbols pass across the lens of her sunglasses.

GISELLE
Catholic?

Mrs. Gonzalez clutches her chest.

MRS. GONZALEZ
Hewish?

Giselle faints against Saul knocking him into the center aisle.

When Saul hits the grass, the jolt lets lose an AUDIBLE SUSTAINED FART.

The traditional wedding closing MUSIC RISES as the youngest Cohen girls react to the fart. They think its the funniest thing that ever happened as the newly weds rush by.

The newly weds jump over Saul as if he wasn’t there.

Chuck leans over to Max during the commotion and whispers:

CHUCK
Max, here’s a wedding gift. Give it to Mary.

Max looks at his hands.

He’s holding the gonad earrings.

Max can’t believe it. He turns back to Chuck.

Chuck urges him on in a harsh whisper.

CHUCK
Quick, give ‘em to Mary.

Max can’t take his eyes off the things and, as if under a spell, does exactly as he is told. Too bad he can’t speak.

Chuck looks around uneasily and then turns to Mary O.S.

CHUCK
Mary! Mary!

Mary is wiping away tears as she turns from watching her baby run off to begin a new life.

Chuck is looking up at her.

CHUCK
Take ‘em and hide ‘em in your purse!

Big Cop appears.

BIG COP
What’s going on here?

Chuck smacks Max’s hands and the earrings go flying.

Chuck looks back up at the cop O.S.

CHUCK
The lady lost an earring.

Mary, startled, tries to smile.

MARY
I did?

Chuck points with his handcuffed hands.

CHUCK
Yeah, under your chair. See it?

Mary starts looking for it.

MARY
Oh, yes, here it is.
( picks it up)
Thank you so much.

Chuck nods toward the grass.

CHUCK
Don’t forget the other one.

Mary picks it off the grass and starts putting it on her ear.

MARY
Oh, my goodness, I’m just losing everything. Thank you again.

Chuck shrugs.

CHUCK
No problem.

Max’s eyes blink and a smile begins to form on his face. He looks at Chuck.

Chuck smiles smugly.

CHUCK
Ninja mumbo jumbo.

Max reaches out to plant a big wet kiss on his partner’s cheek when Big Cop orders them up onto their feet and pushes them along.

Max looks back.

Mary is smiling and waving and wearing the gonad earrings. She motions for him to turn around.

Max turns around.

Jessica and Alfredo are waving good-bye before disappearing into their bright new future behind the evergreen bush.

Max, struggling against his armed guard, shouts after them:

MAX
Don’t worry! Everything is going to be alright!

FREEZE FRAME. Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" comes UP and carries through the credits.

END

Other screenplays by D.C. Copeland: 5th Street, Bad Presents, High School Reunion Massacre, Lucky Bastard! A Family Film, Monster Mountain, Nokosee, Once Upon A Time In Harlem, Save the Children, Tree!, Victoria Parke, Yahoo!